Fear And Despair

I often feel alone. Most of my friends are married, and at gatherings of old pals and their wives, I am usually the only single person there. There are times it is difficult not to feel like a loser.

Yet I must face the fact that I am the author of my own sordid tale of misfortune, heartbreak and loneliness. I am the heart and soul of my own darkness. I am the one who keeps turning out the lights.

Opportunities for relationships happen rarely for me, but they do happen, and when they do, I either subconsciously sabotage them, or, gripped by irrational fear, deliberately bail on them. It would be convenient if I could blame fate or circumstance, but the painful truth is that deep down, I just don't want a relationship. I like the freedom that comes with being single. The truth is, I would like to have sex without everything else that comes with a relationship. I hate that about myself. I hate myself for being so shallow and selfish, for wanting physical intimacy and pleasure without emotional intimacy and everything that goes with that.

When I have no prospects for a relationship, I am filled with despair and consumed by envy, envy of those who have that special someone in their life. But when I do have a prospect, I am overwhelmed by fear, the fear of losing my freedom. It is clear that I am not cut out to be anyone's husband or boyfriend - I suck at relationships - yet I am unhappy being single. I am caught between fear and despair, and profound unhappiness is the result.

When I think about things like this, I dislike myself with alarming intensity. All I can say is that I am really, really tired of disliking myself so much.