The world is going to hell, and rather quickly. It is sinking into a swamp of Islamic terrorism and fundamentalism, war, disease, disastrous climate change and capitalist greed gone berserk. I weep for the future. Perhaps it is time to abandon this sinking ship.
My own life is swirling down the toilet in an entirely different, but no less frightening and disturbing, way. Suicide looks like an excellent option. Life stinks, and I'm not sure I want to be part of it any longer.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Praying For Death
I am very tired of being alive. I don't like myself, and I find being me is tiresome and pointless. I refuse to commit suicide (for various reasons we won't go into here), but I pray for cancer, heart disease, or some other incurable and terminal illness, so that I might have a socially acceptable way to die.
I am monstrous and evil, and worse, subconsciously, I want to be where I am. I make myself suffer because deep down, in the blackest pit of my dark and sinister soul, I want to suffer. I feel I deserve to suffer. There is, however, only so much suffering one can take, and I have had my fill. I am sick and tired of my custom-made hell, my self-created mental and emotional prison. I have had enough of the darkness. I have had it with being the very heart of the darkness that defines my life. I am just going to say it. I want to die.
Call it self-pity. Call it a death wish. Call it misguided anger, mental illness, stupidity or abject blindness to the wonderful possibilities of life. Call it what you will. I don't fucking care. Use whatever label you desire. All I can say is that I get down on my knees each night and pray to whatever gods may be that I don't wake up in the morning, because I am so utterly exhausted with being who I am. I don't hate life, I hate myself. I hate being me. Since I can't be anyone else, then I want to die.
May my heart explode tonight. I sincerely hope I don't live to write another post in this stupid blog nobody reads anyway. It's all so pointless and stupid.
I am monstrous and evil, and worse, subconsciously, I want to be where I am. I make myself suffer because deep down, in the blackest pit of my dark and sinister soul, I want to suffer. I feel I deserve to suffer. There is, however, only so much suffering one can take, and I have had my fill. I am sick and tired of my custom-made hell, my self-created mental and emotional prison. I have had enough of the darkness. I have had it with being the very heart of the darkness that defines my life. I am just going to say it. I want to die.
Call it self-pity. Call it a death wish. Call it misguided anger, mental illness, stupidity or abject blindness to the wonderful possibilities of life. Call it what you will. I don't fucking care. Use whatever label you desire. All I can say is that I get down on my knees each night and pray to whatever gods may be that I don't wake up in the morning, because I am so utterly exhausted with being who I am. I don't hate life, I hate myself. I hate being me. Since I can't be anyone else, then I want to die.
May my heart explode tonight. I sincerely hope I don't live to write another post in this stupid blog nobody reads anyway. It's all so pointless and stupid.
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