Praying For Death

I am very tired of being alive. I don't like myself, and I find being me is tiresome and pointless. I refuse to commit suicide (for various reasons we won't go into here), but I pray for cancer, heart disease, or some other incurable and terminal illness, so that I might have a socially acceptable way to die.

I am monstrous and evil, and worse, subconsciously, I want to be where I am. I make myself suffer because deep down, in the blackest pit of my dark and sinister soul, I want to suffer. I feel I deserve to suffer. There is, however, only so much suffering one can take, and I have had my fill. I am sick and tired of my custom-made hell, my self-created mental and emotional prison. I have had enough of the darkness. I have had it with being the very heart of the darkness that defines my life. I am just going to say it. I want to die.

Call it self-pity. Call it a death wish. Call it misguided anger, mental illness, stupidity or abject blindness to the wonderful possibilities of life. Call it what you will. I don't fucking care. Use whatever label you desire. All I can say is that I get down on my knees each night and pray to whatever gods may be that I don't wake up in the morning, because I am so utterly exhausted with being who I am. I don't hate life, I hate myself. I hate being me. Since I can't be anyone else, then I want to die.

May my heart explode tonight. I sincerely hope I don't live to write another post in this stupid blog nobody reads anyway. It's all so pointless and stupid.