On The Brink

When an exceptionally massive star burns the last of its nuclear fuel, and there is no longer enough energy to offset its enormous mass, it collapses under the weight of its own gravity. Unlike smaller stars, which simply shrink in size (but not mass) and burn out, or big stars that explode, unusually huge stars have so much mass that they collapse into a black hole, an object with such massive gravitational force that nothing can escape their gravitational pull, not even light.

Something similar is happening to me. I have run out of energy, both physically and spiritually, and now I am collapsing into a black hole of hopeless despair so deep and dark that there is no escape. I can feel myself teetering on the brink of oblivion. I despise myself so much that I can no longer see any option other than death. I no longer have the energy to continue fighting to live in my self-contained, self-made darkness. I can't stand being the heart of darkness anymore, but I cannot escape the immense gravity of my despair and self-loathing. I feel as if I am being compressed, squeezed, crushed, and the only escape from being who I am is death.

I wish I was dead, but wishing won't make it so. Unless something drastic happens, I may have to end this life. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt all the people that care about me. But I can't go on like this anymore. I'm burned out, and I just want this to end.

I wish there were another way.