Quitting Time?

"Drove back to town this morning, with working on my mind. I thought of maybe quitting, thought of leaving it behind."

- The Tragically Hip, "Bobcaygeon"


Once again, I'm in a creative funk. Call it being out of gas, call it writer's block, but once again, I've got nothing. Apart from my ongoing financial train wreck, my life's pretty good right now. But I have been unable to write very much, and what I have written is unspeakably bad. So now, as I think about writing, I wonder, is it time to quit?

I'm not sure which is worse, being unable to write, or being unable to write anything that doesn't suck. Some days, I feel as if I was put on this Earth to write. Yet 95% of what I write is terrible. Am I supposed to just be a crappy writer? That has little appeal for me. Other days, like today, I feel like it's all a joke. I'm not a writer, I'm just some hack pretending to be one.

Man, I can't even get this blog post to make any sense.

Maybe I write for the wrong reasons. Maybe I'm just looking for approval from people. Maybe the writing isn't as important to me as the idea of "being a writer". Maybe that's just how I like to define myself, or present myself to the world. "Oooh, look at me, I'm a writer!" I don't know. Today, though, I feel like a fraud. I'm like the Wizard of Oz, an old charlatan who hides behind an illusion.

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful Oz!

So, should I quit writing? Is it quitting time, time to put down the pen for good? I don't know. Maybe I'll just put writing aside for a while and see how I feel later. Maybe I shouldn't decide once and for all right now. All I can say is that thinking about this makes me depressed, but that's what I do. I depress myself. I am the heart of my darkness.

"The sky was dull, and hypothetical, and falling one cloud at a time..."

Paralyzed

Fear leaks from my dark heart like thick, black poison, rendering me immobile. I am paralyzed by my fear. I am faced with several major decisions in my life right now, and I cannot decide, because I'm too afraid of making the wrong choices. As always, I hide, I avoid, and I put off deciding until I am forced to. As always, I hate myself for not having the courage to take action. Once again, I let fear chain me to the floor in a dark room, and I am the heart of that darkness. I have no-one to blame for my incarceration but me.

It's hard not to feel helpless and stupid and cowardly. It's hard not to sink into despair again. I'm trying not to let the darkness of my heart consume my life once again, but I feel paralyzed by fear and despair. I know I could improve things if I could just take action, but what to do? Which path to take? And what if it's the wrong one?

I am lost in a forest at night. I'm too scared to try to find my way out, for fear of going down the wrong path, so I stand still, alone in the darkness, paralyzed.