Idiocy

Sunday I took my daughter down to Spencer Smith Park in Burlington. It's a nice park by the lake. It should be nice, after all the money Burlington spent on it. We were down at the tiny beach area, and Hannah was running back and forth, laughing and dodging the incoming waves. It was a beautiful moment.

Not far away, two women were on the beach while their toddler played at the edge of the water. The girl looked about 18 months old, maybe 2 years. She wandered over to a point where she was closer to me than to the two women (I assumed one of them was her mother). I was mostly watching my daughter, but this small girl was in my peripheral vision most of the time.

The girl tripped and fell into the water face first. The waves were not big, but they were big enough that she couldn't stand back up. She was only face-down in the water and struggling for a few moments before her mother ran over and fished her out. The little girl was fine. She coughed a bit, but hadn't seemed to inhale any water. She was a little scared, but minutes later, she was playing and laughing again. It was a scary moment, but it ended well.

Why am I telling you this? Because I saw it all happen, and STOOD THERE LIKE AN IDIOT! I could have jumped in and picked the girl up myself - I was no more than six feet from her, and closer than her mother was. Instead, like a fucking stunned monkey, I just stood there and watched. I DON'T KNOW WHY! One would think I would have acted when someone's kid fell in the fucking lake, but no. I just stood there, and I assume I had a dopey, semi-retarded look on my face.

What's the point of this humiliating story? I hate myself, that's the point. I had a chance to jump in and help someone, and instead, I just stood there. Since then, all I can think about is what happened, and how, if the two women hadn't been paying attention, something horrible might have happened right in front of me.

This is apparently what I do. Opportunities come by, and I just stand there while someone else acts. Opportunities to meet women, to get a different job, to get a car, to do things, come along, and I just let them pass by, and spend days or weeks regretting my inaction. Life passes me by while I just STAND AROUND AND WATCH IT FUCKING HAPPEN! God forbid I should ever come across someone seriously injured or trapped in a burning car! I'll probably stare at them stupidly while they bleed or burn to death!

Life is full of opportunities, and I sit in a dark room with the curtains drawn, staring into the abyss that is my blackened soul. Hell is a life not lived.