Everyone But Me

One never gets used to being alone. It is constant in its unpleasantness.

These days, it seems like everyone but me is in a relationship. I know that's not actually true - if it were, Lavalife would be out of business - but it feels like it. I have a brilliant, well-read friend who is, to put it kindly, physically unattractive. He has less money than I do, and that's rare. He has similar trouble maintaining a relationship. And yet, he is hardly ever single. He may have two or three different girlfriends a year, but he usually has someone. I have no idea how he does it. I would be happy with a string of failed relationships, but not having one at all, for years at a time, is intensely depressing.

The last girl I dated, I dated only very briefly, before I panicked and bailed. Now I regret dumping her, because in retrospect, we were compatible in many ways. But I can never seem to see the obvious when it's right in front of my face. Only later, when she has moved on and I look back on things, do I realize I made yet another mistake.

I can't seem to win. When I'm with someone, I'm either on edge all the time (afraid they're going to dump me) or I start feeling trapped and begin compiling a list of reasons why they're not the right one for me. It has been 20 years since I felt at ease with a woman, and that one still went off the rails, thanks to my complacency. Few things ruin a good relationship like taking a special person for granted, which is what I did. But when I'm alone, I'm miserable, and all I can think is that the wrong relationship would be better than no relationship at all.

I wish I knew how to stop subconsciously ruining things for myself. I wish I could end my apparent unconscious need for things to fail. I'm so very tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being the cold, lonesome, ghostly heart of a vast emotional darkness.